Why the Conversations Aren’t Working
Argue less, listen more.
Quality conversation is crucial to not only social movements like Black Lives Matter, but also to every political endeavor, to maintaining healthy relationships, and to the human experience as a whole. However, many of these conversations prove to be ineffective, especially in our current hyper-politicized society. This is a frustrating occurrence because there is so much unfulfilled potential in our interactions.
Being able to engage in effective conversation is a skill that — like all other skills — develops with practice and patience. It is difficult, but we are all capable of it.
What goes wrong?
We struggle to listen for a variety of reasons. For one, most people are not formally taught the art of listening. Our education system focuses on reading, and listening takes a back seat. It is approached as an innate ability, while in reality, it is an acquired skill.
In addition to this education gap, we tend to approach political conversations as “arguments,” and when we prepare to engage in an argument, something changes in our brains: we put up a wall that prevents us from hearing what the other person is saying and use that wall to reflect our own ideas, leaving no room for new ones. Most people listen to others for the sole purpose of having something to respond to. It’s like we are all wannabe politicians with ready-made talking points that we pull out of our mental reservoir when it is our turn to speak. This provides no service to ourselves or others.
Trying to convince someone that you are right and they are wrong has never been successful. It ends up having the opposite effect; by establishing an adversarial dynamic, you isolate the other person and destroy any chances you had of changing his or her beliefs. And now you have wasted both your time and theirs.
Think back to the last time you tried to have an important discussion with someone. Did they get up and walk away? Did they become upset or defensive? Did one or both of you start speaking more loudly as the conversation progressed? Why do you think this happened? Chances are, you were both frustrated because you felt you weren’t being heard.
How to Have Effective Discussions
When engaging in a conversation with someone who disagrees with you, the goal should be twofold: to gain a deeper understanding of the person across from you and to learn something new. Always assume that the person with whom you’re engaging has something to teach you. This might not be true, but by being open to the possibility of learning from someone, you are gifting yourself an opportunity to grow, and the other person is more likely to respect you and listen to what you have to say.
While it is necessary to make your viewpoint heard, it is equally necessary to ensure that you are deeply absorbing what the other person is saying.
We need productive conversations now more than ever. And this can only be achieved by arguing less and listening more.
